Long gone are the days when Bathtub was caught in the tub upstairs at his Georgia home playing with fighter planes in a soapy bath. How we all long for those innocent days of yore.
But they’re gone, and - with them - all the dignity that Bathtub Stevie has. And how much dignity can a fella named “Bathtub” have to start with?
The events that I am about to relate to you are true. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because nobody in this story is innocent - except for me and Co-cola Mike. And our names don’t need to be changed because they’re splashed weekly across this LaGrange, Georgia paper.
The scene happened on my recent trip down South. Co-cola, Glory, the amazing blond and I were headed to church for the meeting that Saturday evening; so on the way we stopped by at Parmers Grocery to check on Stevie who has been running a cash register and flashing his million-dollar smile there for a few years now. When we arrived, I went in and met his friends there and did a little checking out myself - just to make sure that he was holding up Co-cola Mike’s good name. Once I was convinced he was, we walked outside so Glory could give him a shirt he needed for church that night.
When he got outside, Co-cola Mike said,
“Well, Stevie, I guess you’re upset that Auburn got smoked bad by Arkansas today.”
Co-cola and I knew all about the game because we had leaned back that Saturday afternoon and watched it in between a couple of naps. We’re getting old now and have a hard time getting through four quarters of a game without hitting the snooze button. Besides, it was a slow day for the War Eagles. Arkansas took it to them from the get-go. Co-cola kept telling me that Auburn was a second half team, that once they got it going they could come back and beat anybody. At the half they were down to the Razorbacks 29-3, and - while Auburn tried to make it game the second half - it was too little, too late. It was Arkansas in a romp.
You need to know that Co-cola is an avid Auburn fan. Always has been. He has a War Eagle and an Auburn helmet signed by Bo Jackson sitting up on the television stand. OK, maybe Bo didn’t sign it, but somebody who once wore Auburn blue did. Being the good, obedient boy Bathtub always has been, he, too, has been an Auburn fan since the day he was born.
However - and this is a big “however” - Bathtub is now 18 and has been smitten by some girl from a little town called Mountain Home, Arkansas. While we were visiting the night before at his house, I asked Bathtub what happened to that girl’s eyesight, seeing that she has taken up with him the way she has. He started coming across the room at me with a vengeance. But as providence would have it, Alyssa called about that time; and - as we all know - love trumps vengeance every time. Always has.
That was the last I saw of Bathtub that night. He forgot about me, answered his phone, and - as he headed upstairs - subjected all of us and the dog Emma to some of the most pitiful sweet-talking that you’ve ever heard.
So you may not be too surprised at Bathtub’s response in Parmers’ parking lot. When Co-cola said, “Stevie, I guess you’re upset about Auburn’s getting’ beaten so bad by Arkansas today,” Bathtub replied.
“Nah, I was pullin’ for Arkansas anyway!”
Now, friends, love is good and all. I don’t have a thing against it. But football is football. You’ve got to draw the line somewhere. To Bathtub’s credit, he tried to deny ever saying what he did when I brought it up to him later that night.
“Nah, I didn’t say that,” he said in a convincing denial that would’ve made my friend Doosey proud. But when Co-cola and I both looked at him with eyebrows raised, he knew he was had. All he could do was lower his head and walk upstairs.
To make matters worse, Glory hollered behind him:
“Stevie, if you want to wear your Razorback tee-shirt again tomorrow, you need to put it in the wash!”
Poor Bathtub Stevie. Sacked in the backfield.
By love.
Steven Bowen can be contacted at steven.bowen@redoakisd.org
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