On hold for Santa

Published 8:47 pm Thursday, December 7, 2017

“Hello, you have reached the offices of Santa Claus at the North Pole.”

“Hi, my name is Dick Yarbrough and I would like…”

“Thank you for calling. In order to better serve you, please listen to the following options. If you wish to place an order, please press ‘one.’ If you are calling about your current order, please press ‘two.’ If you would like to make a payment, please press ‘three.’”

“Actually, I just want to talk to someone about my Christmas wish list. You see…”

“If you wish to continue this conversation in English, please press ‘four.’ Si desea continuar esta conversación en español, presione ‘cinco.’ Si vous souhaitez continuer cette conversation en français, veuillez appuyer sur ‘six’”

“English is fine, thank you, but here’s what I want to ask…”

“Your call is very important to us. Currently, all of our representatives are busy serving other customers. Please stay on the line. Your wait time is currently six hours.”

“Six hours! You’ve got to be kidding! It looks like you have automated everything now. I’m sure it saves you money, but it is very impersonal and unbecoming of Santa Claus.”

“Did you know you can place your orders and track them by going to our website?”

“I think I’ll just forget the whole thing. All I wanted was…”

Click! “Hello, my name is Vashtar. To whom am I speaking?”

“Thank goodness! I am finally talking to a real person! Listen, Vashtar, I need to check on … ”

“This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.”

“That’s OK by me, Vashtar, but all I want is…”

“Have you shopped with us before?”

“Well, kinda. I used to write a letter to Santa Claus every year and tell him what I wanted for Christmas, if you consider that shopping. Every year, I asked for a pony. I always wanted a pony, but I never got one and … ”

“Will you be paying for your purchase by credit card?”

“I haven’t decided yet if I am going to order anything, Vashtar. The reason I am calling is I would like to know if … ”

“It has been a pleasure talking to you, Mr. Yarburger. Please stay on the line for a short customer survey that will enable us to serve you even better in the future. Have a nice day and thank you for choosing Santa Claus at the North Pole.” Click!

“Hello? Hello? He’s gone! Rats! And I never even got to speak to Santa Claus! All I wanted to know was if this was the year when I might finally get my *^#@!# pony!”

 You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139 or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb.