Fellas, it’s time to beg for forgiveness for Valentine’s

Published 7:05 pm Friday, February 16, 2018

Well, today’s “back porch” visit is for all the fellas out there who are afflicted with P.V.S.:  “Post-Valentine’s Suffering.”

You know what I’m talking about. Every fella in LaGrange is going through it right now, and probably every one of ‘em in the state of Georgia.

You’ll notice that we said “back porch” instead of “front porch.” That’s because it wouldn’t be a good idea right now for us to be on the front porch when the lady of the house drives up.

It’s going to be better for you to keep a low profile for a day or two, maybe for even, say, a month.

I’ve been thinking about you fellas ever since last Wednesday, the 14th day of February, a man’s worst day of the year. So, tell me, fellas, what is it that you did this year? No, don’t tell me. I’m pretty sure I can guess.

When your sweet wife asked for chocolate for Valentine’s Day, you bought her a case of Slim Fast again? I told you before, don’t do that.

Or, when she asked you for a romantic night out, you invited her come sit out on the front porch with you and your hound dog Bubba. Seriously?

Or, when she requested poetry, you walked her out to that front porch again, pointed to the stars, and said, “Honey, your teeth remind me of those stars up there. They both come out at night.”

Listen, I’ve already told you, don’t try to be funny on Valentine’s Day. Ladies want chocolate, candlelight dinners, love notes slid under her pillow or more chocolate — not humor.

And, if by some miracle you committed none of those offenses, I know what you did, without a doubt.

You did nothing.

That’s right, again this year, you did absolutely nothing.

You didn’t buy her that chocolate candy, even though there have been rows and rows of chocolate candy in every store since Christmas. You’ve probably walked by 100,000 boxes of candy over the past month and a half.

But you wouldn’t dare buy her that gift early, so you ran out to the store on Valentine’s Day, hoping to scrounge up that one last box of candy, at a discount. We’ve had this talk before. It doesn’t work. Never has.

So, here we are again. You’ve had to run out once more, this time to buy today’s paper in hopes that we will offer you some solace or solution to your P.V.S.

Bless your hearts, you finally did one thing right.

So, what should you do? It’s simple: Beg for forgiveness. That’s about the only thing left to do. Get on your hands and knees, conjure up a tear or two, and get to begging. I can assure you that if you put on a good display of pitifulness that she will forgive you. Well, that, plus reach into your pocket, hand her your debit card, and send her to the mall.

Fellas, here’s the bottom line, at least for next year: You can buy her that $5 box of chocolate sometime before Feb. 14, or you can get prepared to take a big hit on your wallet on Feb. 15.

You do the figuring. I know your romance skills are suffering, but I’m guessing there’s not a thing wrong with your arithmetic.