An advanced look at what could be major news stories in 2019
Published 5:37 pm Thursday, December 27, 2018
I am not very good at prognostications. But I am always full of hope. There are a number of events I would love to see happen in 2019 — so much so that I have already written a short release on each should they occur. That way, I will look very smart and since I will already have told you about them, I will have more free time to pursue my dream of playing “Sweet Betsy from Pike” on my ukulele with the New York Philharmonic. (Spoiler alert — there will be no encores because that’s the only song I can play on my ukulele.)
So, let’s get right to the I-hope-we-read stories in 2019:
1) Public school teacher committee to study delaying start of Georgia general assembly. A committee of public schoolteachers is looking at when the General Assembly should begin its yearly legislative sessions. They were inspired by a bunch of state senators who think they know best when schools should start without asking teachers for their opinions.
“We have made no definite decisions,” a spokesperson declared, “but we want to give our intrepid public servants time to go work and play at Six Flags and Stone Mountain Park to make up for the inconvenience they say they will face if Georgia dares to put the education of our young people ahead of their bottom line.” At this point, the schoolteacher committee is leaning toward recommending a half-day session, which would give legislators enough time for a free meal from lizard-loafered lobbyists but not enough time to dump more taxpayer money into private school scholarships.
2) Former knee-jerk Colin Kaepernick promises to concentrate on domestic violence and birds. Colin Kaepernick says he is through kneeling because of his lumbago and the fact that Americans have found out they can live without watching his fellow multi-millionaire knee-jerks disrespect their country on Sundays. He will, instead, join the #MeToo movement and concentrate on his colleagues who slap around their girlfriends.
He has also announced that he is growing a nest of robins in his hair.
3) The University of Georgia apologizes for being the oldest state-chartered university in the nation, having more Rhodes scholars than all other institutions in the state combined and a load of five-star athletes.
In a rare move, the administration at the University of Georgia has apologized for being excellent at so many things.
“While it is not our fault that we were the first state-chartered university in the nation and that we keep having all these Rhodes scholars selected and five-star athletes wanting to come to school here,” a spokesperson said, “we are aware that not every institution is as blessed as we are.” He blames much of the controversy on a certain modest and much-beloved columnist who won’t quit talking about the place.
4) Gun advocates score major victory with guns under the gold dome. With guns currently allowed in churches, bars, public buildings, college campuses and the like, gun proponents are hailing the efforts of Rep. Mandi “Annie Oakley” Ballinger, R-Cherokee, and Rick “Shoot low, boys.
They’re ridin’ Shetlands” Jasperse, R-Jasper, to promote legislation allowing Georgians to pack heat under the Gold Dome.
“It occurred to us that if we allowed guns everywhere else but the state Capitol,” they said, “it would make us look like a couple of hypocrites.”
Political observers say the term “shooting down legislation” will now take on a whole new meaning.
5) Trump to announce on Twitter the withdrawal of U.S. from the League of Nations after he fires federal reserve chairman. President Donald Trump surprised Congress today by tweeting that the U.S. will no longer be a member of the League of Nations as soon as he fires Jerome Powell, chairman of the Federal Reserve. Staff members will draw straws to determine who will have to go tell the president that there is no League of Nations anymore and that by law he can’t fire the chairman of the Federal Reserve. The president will go on Twitter and criticize his staff as lazy, incompetent and stupid and wonder who hired them. Staff will then draw straws to determine who will have to go tell him he did.
6) New York Philharmonic to feature special ukulele performance in 2019. The prestigious New York Philharmonic is proud to announce a special appearance by C. Richard Yarbrough, noted ukeleleist, who will perform “Sweet Betsy from Pike” in the key of C. However, due to circumstances beyond his control, we regret Mr. Yarbrough will not be performing encores.