Whether to forecast the weather

Published 6:29 pm Friday, August 2, 2019

LaGrange Resident

For my next career, I want to be a LaGrange weather forecaster. 

My easiest season to forecast would be summer. I would come in to work, pour a cup of coffee and type out my weather forecast: “High of 93 degrees, 90 percent humidity, partly cloudy, with a 40 percent chance of evening thundershowers.” Then I’d go on break. For the rest of the day. 

 Winter would be only slightly more difficult. Most days would be “High of 52 degrees, a low of 29, partly cloudy, with a 30 percent chance of rain.” The slightly difficult part is identifying that short period of time – one to three weeks – when the temperatures actually stay below freezing the whole time. 

Winter and summer are bridged by spring, also known as the first week of March. During spring, the high is 74. Skies are sunny, and there is a gentle, cooling breeze. During spring, people are apt to wish, “I could go for this weather all year long,” which is incredibly ironic since spring in Georgia lasts about as long as Britney Spears’ first marriage. 

Autumn is, unfortunately, football season, so I have no earthly clue of what the weather here in LaGrange actually is like during that season. I would try to disguise my ignorance by using a mash-up of weather and football jargon and hope for the best: “The outlook for this weekend is at home, with temperatures ranging from safety to the red zone. It shouldn’t be cold enough to ice the kicker, but look for clouds committing encroachment first, and 10 minutes later, sunny skies…”

Of course, there are two very special weather situations that need attention. The first is forecasting the annual winter snowstorm (real or phantom). It’s an awesome responsibility, since doing so basically brings the economy, education and travel to a standstill. I am 95 percent certain that there is a secret milk and bread cartel which inappropriately influences forecasts for snow, possibly with help from the Russians. 

The other special weather condition is the hurricane season. I would never try to compete with television for hurricane forecasting. They have cornered the market on weather drama. If it rains in the Atlantic Ocean, the Weather Channel starts talking about the possibility of a 14-foot storm surge. CNN has to weigh in, so they would criticize President Trump for only asking for a 10-foot wall to stop a 14-foot storm surge. Then FOX would jump in to defend the president, claiming that President Trump asked for a 15-foot wall, but the democrats in congress would only refuse to build a 10-foot wall. 

Maybe I should think about a different next career…