Resolution execution

Published 7:15 pm Tuesday, January 7, 2020

The time for looking back is over, and the time for New Year’s resolutions is here.

I could follow the safe and well-trodden path of “lose weight, exercise more,” but that would be as boring as a troupe of trained sloths performing an interpretive dance to the music of Gordon Lightfoot’s “Edmund Fitzgerald”. So, I’ve just accepted those as permanent “givens” and moved on to some new resolutions.

1. I resolve to stop raising my eyebrows and dropping my jaw each time a politician says something incredibly stupid or lies outright on TV. I’m not doing that well with this one. Seven days into the New Year, I’ve violated it 16 times, and I’ve only watched approximately three hours of news. I may need duct tape and a chin strap to accomplish this goal.

2. I resolve to reach a more cordial relationship with our six-month old French Bulldog. He thinks of himself as a ferocious lap dog. At 18 pounds, he will never be ferocious, and with that 18 pounds packed into a body the size of a loaf of Wonder Bread, he will never be a lap dog. Holding him is every bit as comfortable as holding a bowling ball with an odor and an attitude. He also has the endearing habit of piddling on the floor whenever he hears unusual sounds — like footsteps, the refrigerator door opening or any human voice. I’ll keep you updated. 

3. I resolve to live more in the present moment. Of course, I’ll have to spend a lot of time planning it out, because I want my present moments to be enjoyable. It would be totally uncomfortable to arrive in the present, and not have a pretty firm idea on exactly what it was going to look like.

4. I resolve to aggressively pursue not doing more things. For instance, I hope that I cannot do a lot more plumbing, and especially not fix any toilets.  Additionally, I would like to not read any books about the history of Brazil. My goal is to not read at least one Brazilian history book per month. And, after a lot of research, I think this is the year that I would really like to not visit North Korea. 

5. I resolve to become a global expert on extra-terrestrial life. I feel this is an achievable objective in that there are no alien life forms that we know of in existence. Therefore, the body of knowledge required to be an expert cannot be large. If alien life forms are discovered this year, I would probably just switch my resolution to becoming an interplanetary ambassador. (I would be content working in an interplanetary consulate, if someone more qualified was available.)

To be totally honest, I really don’t need resolutions to be content with my life. I live in a great community at an amazing time in history. My New Year’s resolution should just be to thank the Lord more often for my many blessings.