KING COLUMN: A Southern Twister Inside the Car

Published 10:00 am Tuesday, June 4, 2024

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Well, ole Billy Bob has gone and bought himself a new car. He bought another Ford. He drove a Ford Exploder for years, until it finally exploder. Now he driving that little French model Ford…the Ford Escapee’.

These newer vehicles come equipped with everything you need to get on down the road and do so comfortably…well, everything, that is, except an engine. The engines they put in some vehicles these days are so small it’s almost like not having one at all. I’m reminded of what Clara Peller used to say on the old Wendy’s commercial. She raised up the bun and said, “Where’s the beef.” With these new cars, you raise up the hood and say, “Where’s the engine.” Some come equipped with a three-cylinder, 1.5 liter engine. I buy Coke Zeros in a bottle that are bigger than that! My Coke Zeros, fully caffeinated, of course, may have more horse power too! That 1.5-liter engine barely gets me up a hill, while that Coke Zero, fully caffeinated, will get me out of bed at 2:00 in the morning!

Back in the day we drove cars with real motors. They had 327 cubit-inch motors, or 350, or even 427. Some of those things had well over 300 horsepower. Billy Bob’s new Escape has Shetland Pony power under the hood. Some of those old muscle cars would go zero-to-sixty in under five seconds. That Escape will do it in under two weeks! I hear they are working on a new engine that is simply a giant rubber band. You just twist it up and let it go!

One good thing about these new cars is that they get unbelievable gas mileage. Ole Billy Bob said he drove his new one all the way to Hawaii and back and only had to stop for gas twice. I’m not sure I believe that because someone told me he stopped at every Buckey’s between here and there.

The main thing Billy Bob doesn’t like about his new vehicle is the dual heating and air. Each side has its own thermostat, so everybody can be comfortable. They need to warn owners though, because that dual control can be dangerous. There is no divider between the driver’s side and the passenger side. There’s nothing to keep the warm air, or cold air, on one side from drifting over on the other side. You know, like your sister used to get over on your side of the back seat, while you were still sitting there, on the way to Grandma’s house. Here in the South, we all know what happens when hot air suddenly slams into cold air. The warm air rises, the cold air drops, and they twist. We listen to James Spann the weatherman all night and sleep in a closet! Those twisters always seem to find mobile homes and cars. Ole Billy Bob said he had a twister right there inside his new Escapee’. He said Thelma Lou Jean had her side cranked down to Antarctica settings while his was set on Arizonia. He mouthed off something about her IQ caused her to run her AC down that low and the next thing he knew a tornado was right there inside their car and it smacked him right up beside his head. He never saw it coming, and he didn’t even hear a train! Amazingly, Thelma Lou Jean came out totally unharmed and grinning from ear to ear! Billy Bob learned to watch the weather, as well as his mouth! Didn’t wise Solomon say something like, “Be not rash with your mouth?”